All Performance Enhanced Team:
1B: Rafael Palmeiro, not only did he need the steroids but after games was popping viagra for exceptional male pleasure. Raffy gets the nod over some stiff competition because of exceptional overall numbers that easily outdistanced "Big Mac" and he absolutely denied in front of congress that he never used steroids only to get popped the following season.
2B: Brett Boone, I know there was never any official evidence of Brett doing steroids but at 5'9" in height and probably a rock solid muscular 225lbs Boone normally a light hitting second sacker put up huge numbers in the early part of the 21st century and was all done when testing became part of MLB. He was also part of a Jose Canseco accusation and so far Jose is being proven by many players to be telling a lot of truth.
SS: Tough competition here between two major roid-heads. The nod goes to Miguel Tejada. He probably got the roids through from Alex Rodriquez's cousin though. Tejada unlike A-Rod has seen his numbers decline since the testing began.
3B: Ken Caminiti; the former Padre 1998 NL MVP was convinced 85% of the other players were using roids and credited his on-field performance to steroid use. Can't get much more clear cut than Cami at the hot corner.
LF: Jose Canseco the poster boy for steroid abuse. David Wells noted in his book during his days in the minors Canseco went from about a buck and a half to two and a quarter over the course of one off season. Jose could have hula hooped a lady's braclet he was so skinny. Since then Jose has proven steroids not only make you big but make you a bad decision maker. Jose has tried his luck in one on one combat sports getting knocked out by 185lb former Philadelphia Eagle Vai Sikahema and then deciding to go after Korean Giant in MMA Hong Man Choi the 7'2" 340 behemoth. You're not that big, tough, or skilled Jose. You could hit a baseball though and also take on off the knoggin'.
CF: Brady Anderson, he hit 50 homers in 1996 almost double his next best season in the majors. According to former teammate Cal Ripken, "Brady always had a much more advanced concept of cross-training and plyometrics and his diet. He was just ahead of the curve... he showed Alex Rodriquez's cousin where to buy over the counter steroids.
RF: Sammy Sosa, the ever happy Chicago Cub who made it a habit of hitting 60 plus home runs per season doing it three times making a mockery of Roger Maris, Babe Ruth and forcing Barry Bonds to keep up with the Sosas. Sammy always had a kind word for the media but when congress questioned him on steroid, all of a sudden "no habla anglais". Furthermore when a Chicago sports writer questioned him and asked if he would take a test Sosa was compliant until the sports writer told him he had a doctor waiting when Sosa turned up his roid rage!
C: Pudge, not Fisk but Ivan Rodriquez. The Puerto Rican catcher went from 5'7" 225lbs down to a realistic 180 lbs after drug testing became en vogue in MLB. Pudge still has a great mind for the game when the roid free backstop went on his South Beach diet after leaving the Marlins for the Tigers and leading a young pitching staff to the 1996 World Series.
SP: Plenty to choose from here but Kevin Brown gets the nod over The Rocket. Brown an Human Growth Hormone abuser put up some gawdy numbers in the late 90's and eventually would succumb to injuries.
RP: Eric Gagne, the Canadian hockey player was a mountain of a man coming out of the pen at 240lbs but in recent years since testing has trimmed down to 195lbs and has seen his average of 50 saves from 2002-2004 come back to earth at an alarming rate to averaging 14 saves per season during the past three years without serious injury.
All-Performance Diminishing drug Team
1B: Joe Charboneau the 1980 rookie of the year award winner from the Cleveland Indians actually played in the outfield but we need to find a place for this guy. This guy the "Wild Thing" before Charlie Sheen's Rickie Vaughn came into the spotlight in the hit sports movie "Major League". Charboneau was a favorite at the nightspots in Cleveland where he would eventually end up after popping open beer bottles with his eye socket and drinking the brew from a straw through his nose. Joe even pulled on of his sore teeth with a pair of pliers after drinking a shot of whiskey. Chuggin' Joe would eventually end up at the flats working the door checking ID's and tending bar after a short lived career with the Indians. Probably the fasted decline of any ball player in MLB history.
2B: Billy Martin, despite being part of World Champion Yankee teams in the 50's the Bronx Bombers were forced to trade Martin away because he was corrupting superstar Mickey Mantle. The writing was on the wall for Martin when he drove off the road killing himself in a drunken stupor at the age of 58.
SS: Pretty clean position here any suggestions, better yet any personal stories?
3B: Ken Caminiti wins this position hands down after killing himself with a cocaine overdose in Mexico but since he cannot play on both side of the ball the nod goes to Hall of Famer, Wade Boggs. What performance diminishing drug was Boggs addicted to? The worse kind.....women. Boggs an admitted sexual addict was pumping bowsers when there was nothing else available. The power of pussy can be very detrimental and Boggs's habitual back problems were probably the result of late night inverted sit-ups.
LF: Daryl Strawberry the guy was in and out of re-hab his entire career and it's amazing he lasted so long in the Majors. Many more colorful players including the Babe who had an addiction to booze, women, hot dogs, and lack of interest in the game he dominated but not quite the wigged out sad case of the former NY Met and Yankee.
CF: Mickey Mantle, how good would he have been had he not had such an affection for the booze. Mantle missed a team train in Cincinnati after partying all night in that live wire town of Covington, Kentucky where anything goes only to catch a cab with Whitey Ford and Billy Martin the next day to Pittsburgh where they had an exhibition game. After knocking a 500 foot blurry eyed home run Casey Stengel gave him the rest of the day off while teammate Martin cursed him as he had to sweat out his hangover in the field playing all nine innings of an exhibition game for missing the team train.
RF: Dave Parker, affectionately known as the Cobra for his uncoiling action when blasting line drives off the right field wall in Three Rivers Stadium Parker had problems with smoking cigarettes in the dugout, cocaine, a rift with racism in Cincinnati as Marge Schott's n-boy, had to deal with Ron Peter's Pete Rose's bookie in the Cincinnati club house, Canseco and McGwire doing roids in the Oakland Clubhouse and than rounding out his career in Milwaukee where Bernie the Brewer was being dunked in beer before finding peace at the age of 40 north of the border in Toronto for one season. Imagine if the Cobra was able to play in Baltimore for Earl Weaver or in Los Angeles for Tommy Lasorda for 17 seasons he might have been able to put up eye popping numbers.
C: Darrel Porter the former all-star from Kansas City and St. Louis. Porter had a tough time with booze that shortened his career and eventually pulled a Caminiti killing himself with a nose candy overdose.
SP: A lot to choose from here and its tough to ignore Don Larsen's perfect game with a hangover but what Doc Ellis did for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the early 70's pitching a perfect game on LSD takes the cake. Acid is a powerful 10 hour trip and how he stayed focused might be the most amazing feat of concentration in sports. He must have been addicted to the streamers that were following the ball that day.
RP: Save the best for last, Steve Howe. The former Los Angeles Dodger Rookie of the year and all-star fireman. Howe was suspended 7x from MLB for his cocaine abuse. Later in his career he was spotted in Costa Rica where the price for the "white" comes much cheaper. He hooked fellow Dodger teammate Dave Stewart on the "blow" and Stew got the Lord quick and was able to rectify his career winning a World Series and Cy Young Award in Oakland. Howe was not so fortunate, his battle with cocaine ended at the age of 48 killing himself in an auto accident just east of Palm Springs in Coachella, California.
Who is deserving that isn't on this list? Who would win a match-up between the two teams? First game all-looped up, second game straight, and the rubber match if necessary the players would have to switch drugs and play? If nothing else it would be very interesting.
No comments:
Post a Comment